Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
