Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
