sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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