im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
