I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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