lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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