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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
