I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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