One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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