Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Found the puke drawer
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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