I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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