wanna go halves on a baby?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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