do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Randomize
