Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
