I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
