You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
