Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
