dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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