i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
