Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
He is an equal opportunity slut.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
