I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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