It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
