my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
