If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Randomize
