guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
