i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
