I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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