Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
