I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
