How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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