if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
