Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
