I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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