Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
