I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
