so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We have started to decorate penises.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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