i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
