My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
