Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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