I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
