pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
