I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
