I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
