so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
