I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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