Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
