you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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