Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
