the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize