sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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