And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
