Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
