he wants to bone in the snuggie
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
