i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
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Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
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I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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