I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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