I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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