Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
