Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
