I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
