I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
