gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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