I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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