I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
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