dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I think my moral compass just broke
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
