I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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